Today I want to talk about abstinence until marriage. One of the most common pop-culture arguments against abstinence, is that you might find yourself married to someone you're completely sexual incompatible with. Interestingly, Judaism foresaw this possibility, which is why it considers sexual incompatibility legitimate grounds for divorce.
However, I believe that the sexual incompatibility argument has two major flaws: 1. The argument seems to equate abstinence with shomerness and complete chastity. Assuming you've done other things with your fiance, but simply abstained from intercourse, and also taken the time to explore your own body, you should at least have some idea of your compatability, your likes and dislikes. Now, it is possible that you do great together in bed until third base, but find upon marriage that you're unable to get that home run satisfactorily - possible, but unlikely. As a matter of fact, a recent study of the sex life of Orthodox women showed that those with the happiest sex life were those who had not been shomeret in pre-married life, but who had abstained from pre-marital intercourse. 2. The argument supposes the compatability is a one-shot thing: Either you have it or you don't - but first-time sex with anyone can be awkward, and sex lives do not need to remain static or stagnant - they can be improved. People might have a really bad first-night experience, but, with work (and perhaps even the help of sex therapists), learn how to be compatible. A lot of it is learning what works for each other's bodies - sex, like any skill, improves with practice, and it's not unreasonable to think that if most couples come into the marriage knowing sexual compatibility is something they might have to work for, and are willing to do so, then they will achieve their goal.
But I also think the anti-abstinence stance comes from society's general attitude towards sex: 1. Sex is a be-all-and-end-all, therefore 2. If you don't have a perfect sex life, you will be miserable, therefore 3. Your married sex life better be perfect. (If it's not, perhaps you should open your marriage up to experimentation with other sexual partners - hence the Dan Savage term "Monogamish".)
I would argue that 1. In Judaim, sex is important but not the be-all-and-end-all, therefore 2. There is a minimum threshold of sexual satisfaction every person needs to be happy. If your marriage does not meet this threshhold despite your best efforts, you should get a divorce. If however, your married sex-life has crossed the threshhold, but is still not everything you wish it to be - you just have to live with it (of course, you can still work towards that goal, but divorce or adultery aren't a fair solution).
Many people might have threesome fantasies, and most people would ideally want the freedom to bang every hot person they meet on the street, but Judaism recognizes that marriage is a control over sexual freedom, a capitulation to the fact that you can't have that threesome or screw the girl on the bus with the really nice breasts - It is a sacrifice for the sake of commitment. Today, modern society often views monogamy as quaint or outdated, because at a certain point, commitment and freedom, or even commitment and pleasure, may contradict each other, and we value freedom and pleasure above commitment - Judaism does not. The entire concept of a covenant at Sinai is that we have mitzvot, i.e. limits on our freedom and pleasure - in exchange for a committed and loving relationship with God - and that is one way the Sinai covenant is similiar to marriage.
Of course, when I speak of abstinence until marriage, I am speaking, as I said before a) of a non-shomer abstinence in which you each know a little of each other's (and your own) bodies b) an abstinence where you've both had extensive sexual education (I am talking here of reading books, articles, etc.) c) an abstinence where you've both discussed sex - potential likes, dislikes, fears, etc. before marriage. In other words, an abstinence pop culture does not recognize because it assumes all abstinencers are religious freaks - and sometimes even assumes all religious people are freaks.
Allright, I'll abstain from my anti-religiosity-within-supposedly-tolerant-secular-society-rant for now.
Also, the study I cited is called, "Observant Married Jewish Women and Sexual Life: An Empirical Study", by Dr. Michelle Friedman, Dr. Ellen Labinsky, and Dr. Tali Rosenbaum, Dr. James Schmeidler, and Dr. Rachel Yehuda. It was sent to me by a friend.
