Ok, two quick thoughts:
1. I recently had a conversation about elbow-length with a Jewish communal leader/educator. She confessed that she does not think women are halachikly obligated to wear elbow-length, but does so in order to gain the communal respect she needs in order to be a succesful Jewish educator in the Modern Orthodox world. On the one hand, I admire her dedication. On the other, the more women wear elbow-length despite not believing in it, because they view it as a social prerequisite to being an MO female Jewish educator, the more it becomes a social prerequisite: It enforces the idea that modesty is elbow-length, and that elbow-length is the true halachik requirement - after all, why else would it be that no MO Jewish educator ladies are wearing short sleeves? If at least there were a public acknowledgment: We as women do not view this as a halachik requirement, but dress this way anyway, because we respect the social customs of our community even if they are not halachik requirements, or because we give in in this one area, in order to engage in our work of Torah teaching, I would be fine with it. But since people often assume that Jewish layleaders dress in accordance with what they view as halacha, and since no such announcement accompanies these women's attire, people simply assume "If the lady who gave a shiur wears elbow-length, it must be required." I think sometimes the obligation to live the Torah, in order to teach the Torah, means living kulahs, in order to teach people kulahs, therefore making it easier for them to follow the Torah. If you don't show people ways to make things easier within the law, they will simply circumvent the law.
2. I got to say a pasuk from "Ata Horaita" at the Carlebach shul on the Upper West Side of Manhattan over Simchat Torah. The minute I performed a public ritual, I immediately felt more of a part of the community. I felt more of a responsibility to stay and to be invovled in the service. This just reinforces my belief: If davening were more inclusive of women, more women would come. So saying "We'll make it more inclusive when more women come", is really no more than a faux-halachik way of ignoring the ritualistic needs of women in community contexts.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Sexual Halachot: Time To Face Reality
What do niddah, shomer negiah, and abstaining from vaginal intercourse before marriage have in common? They are all Orthodox halachic norms that are framed in apologetic terms.
Niddah is supposed to enhance your marriage by making married sex more special, preventing sexual boredom, and enhancing verbal and other non-sexual communication skills. Shomer laws are supposed to enhance marital sex, by saving it for marriage, and to preserve the holiness of all married physical contact. What could be more special than having your first kiss be with your lifetime lover, than only having sexual contact with the person of your dreams? Why open yourself up to the pain that comes with sexual intimacy in a relationship that ends? Shomerness prevents you from getting hurt or taken advantage of as a single person. It allows you to see your relationships clearer, without being biased by the physical pleasure you get from them (since you're getting none), which leads to healthier relationship decisions. Use the word "sex" instead of shomerness, and you have the justification for the "everything but sex" before marriage Orthodox philosophy. Add in the knowledge that to violate any of these sexual laws is a terrible sin that would make you a social pariah if people knew, a sin whose guilt is hammered into your head over and over in Orthodox schools.
What do you get? A completely unhealthy attitude towards these sexual halachot. The fact is, all of the aforementioned halachot can be difficult -actually, excruciating - to keep. By presenting them as this magical experience, the discourse makes a person feel guilty for the difficulty they have in keeping those halachot. Ironically, this guilt may help drive a person to break the halachot, since negative self-perceptions often become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Furthermore, by emphasizing the seriousness of these halachot and making sexual propriety a defining criteria for membership in Orthodox society -as opposed to, say, the ability to refrain from speaking lashon harah - we make it harder for someone to do teshuva if they do violate one of these halachot. A person can be plagued with a feeling that even a minor slipup puts them beyond hope of redemption, therefore taking away the motivation to redeem themselves. This can lead not only to continued breaking of the halacha in question, but even to a complete abandonment of Judaism, since, if you're doomed for hell anyway, what's the point of not eating a cheesburger?
I understand that this type of negative thinking is a trap, but I think it is the type of thinking being encouraged by the way these halachot are currently taught in the Modern Orthodox (maybe Orthodox in general) world. I also can understand the argument that using refraining from lashon harah as a criteria for social acceptance is unrealistic - but so is expecting perfection when it comes to rules governing something as basic and widespread as human sexuality! Of course, I think that Orthodox society (and pretty much all socieities) should stop being so judgemental, especially since in Judaism, we are enjoined not to judge others, just as we wish for God not to judge us, but instead, to treat us with kindness and mercy - but that's a different topic.
I am not advocating a change in the halachot, but rather, a change in the way the halachot are taught. Openly adressing the challenges in keeping these halachot, and helping students to address them, can help students to keep them. Furthermore, emphasizing that while yes, sinning is bad, teshuva is possible, and that just because you sinned in one area, does not make you "a sinner", will help students stay within the bounds of the halachik system. A brief skim through the Yom Kippur liturgy is enough to illustrate that Judaism certainly believes in the power of redemption, and the ability of people to change.
I also believe, that the same way that there are Alcoholics Anonymous groups, there should be shomer, nidah, and no-pre-marital sex anonymous groups, segregated by gender (sorry for the heteronormativity here), where people can gather for facillitated meetings at which they can discuss the difficulties involved in keeping these halachot, and offer support and tips for each other. Perhaps the no pre-marital sex one could be merged with the general shomer one, dependng on demmand. In an ideal world, these groups would not be anonymous, and would not be gender segregated, but I understand that our world is not always ideal. In an ideal world, if someone saw another person going to a "Niddah Difficulties" anonymous group, they would admire that person for their commitment to halacha - and yes, men also need such a group, because niddah affects their relationships, too.
Or maybe it would be better if those groups were public - if whatever was said in the room was confidential, to the point where you even had to sign a legal disclaimer saying so, but that it would be publicly known, "The shomer difficulties group for women meets every Monday night at 9 o'clock, in the little office on the second floor, next to the beit midrash" - that way there would be public acknowledgment and acceptance of said difficulties. Though again, I think many people who might otherwise attend such meetings would be uncomfortable with that.
In any event, I think changing the discourse around these halachot, and the way they are taught, is essential. It is time to move beyond apologetics, towards reality - and in doing so, to honor a Jewish tradition that has long recognized the messy realities of the human body, while attempting to bring meaning to the Jewish soul.
Niddah is supposed to enhance your marriage by making married sex more special, preventing sexual boredom, and enhancing verbal and other non-sexual communication skills. Shomer laws are supposed to enhance marital sex, by saving it for marriage, and to preserve the holiness of all married physical contact. What could be more special than having your first kiss be with your lifetime lover, than only having sexual contact with the person of your dreams? Why open yourself up to the pain that comes with sexual intimacy in a relationship that ends? Shomerness prevents you from getting hurt or taken advantage of as a single person. It allows you to see your relationships clearer, without being biased by the physical pleasure you get from them (since you're getting none), which leads to healthier relationship decisions. Use the word "sex" instead of shomerness, and you have the justification for the "everything but sex" before marriage Orthodox philosophy. Add in the knowledge that to violate any of these sexual laws is a terrible sin that would make you a social pariah if people knew, a sin whose guilt is hammered into your head over and over in Orthodox schools.
What do you get? A completely unhealthy attitude towards these sexual halachot. The fact is, all of the aforementioned halachot can be difficult -actually, excruciating - to keep. By presenting them as this magical experience, the discourse makes a person feel guilty for the difficulty they have in keeping those halachot. Ironically, this guilt may help drive a person to break the halachot, since negative self-perceptions often become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Furthermore, by emphasizing the seriousness of these halachot and making sexual propriety a defining criteria for membership in Orthodox society -as opposed to, say, the ability to refrain from speaking lashon harah - we make it harder for someone to do teshuva if they do violate one of these halachot. A person can be plagued with a feeling that even a minor slipup puts them beyond hope of redemption, therefore taking away the motivation to redeem themselves. This can lead not only to continued breaking of the halacha in question, but even to a complete abandonment of Judaism, since, if you're doomed for hell anyway, what's the point of not eating a cheesburger?
I understand that this type of negative thinking is a trap, but I think it is the type of thinking being encouraged by the way these halachot are currently taught in the Modern Orthodox (maybe Orthodox in general) world. I also can understand the argument that using refraining from lashon harah as a criteria for social acceptance is unrealistic - but so is expecting perfection when it comes to rules governing something as basic and widespread as human sexuality! Of course, I think that Orthodox society (and pretty much all socieities) should stop being so judgemental, especially since in Judaism, we are enjoined not to judge others, just as we wish for God not to judge us, but instead, to treat us with kindness and mercy - but that's a different topic.
I am not advocating a change in the halachot, but rather, a change in the way the halachot are taught. Openly adressing the challenges in keeping these halachot, and helping students to address them, can help students to keep them. Furthermore, emphasizing that while yes, sinning is bad, teshuva is possible, and that just because you sinned in one area, does not make you "a sinner", will help students stay within the bounds of the halachik system. A brief skim through the Yom Kippur liturgy is enough to illustrate that Judaism certainly believes in the power of redemption, and the ability of people to change.
I also believe, that the same way that there are Alcoholics Anonymous groups, there should be shomer, nidah, and no-pre-marital sex anonymous groups, segregated by gender (sorry for the heteronormativity here), where people can gather for facillitated meetings at which they can discuss the difficulties involved in keeping these halachot, and offer support and tips for each other. Perhaps the no pre-marital sex one could be merged with the general shomer one, dependng on demmand. In an ideal world, these groups would not be anonymous, and would not be gender segregated, but I understand that our world is not always ideal. In an ideal world, if someone saw another person going to a "Niddah Difficulties" anonymous group, they would admire that person for their commitment to halacha - and yes, men also need such a group, because niddah affects their relationships, too.
Or maybe it would be better if those groups were public - if whatever was said in the room was confidential, to the point where you even had to sign a legal disclaimer saying so, but that it would be publicly known, "The shomer difficulties group for women meets every Monday night at 9 o'clock, in the little office on the second floor, next to the beit midrash" - that way there would be public acknowledgment and acceptance of said difficulties. Though again, I think many people who might otherwise attend such meetings would be uncomfortable with that.
In any event, I think changing the discourse around these halachot, and the way they are taught, is essential. It is time to move beyond apologetics, towards reality - and in doing so, to honor a Jewish tradition that has long recognized the messy realities of the human body, while attempting to bring meaning to the Jewish soul.
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