Mikvah (Once More)

I was walking through Lincoln Center tonight, when I suddenly realized something:

Among the rabbis I've spoken to about making single women's immersion in mikvah permissible (thus making pre-marital sex not punishable by karet), the main arguments is that it would appear that rabbis are condoning pre-marital sex* . When I counter that the risk of doing so is less problematic than the current situation, when loads of observant Jews are breaking nidah drabanan (since foreplay without mikvah is forbidden derabanan) and definitely deoraita (no sex sans immersion, possibly no foreplay sans immersion, depending on who you hold by).

The response I usually get is two-fold: 1. Most single Jews are shomer** (I believe this is false, but don't know the statistics) 2. For those Jews that can't handle shomer laws (which become mandatory as a result of the ban on women's immersion), let them sin - it's not uncommon for an observant Jew to have one halacha that he habitually slips up on. Better for the few to slip, than for the rabbis to make pre-marital sex not punishable by karet, which might cause many to sin.

This counter-argument is false on two grounds: 1. Since most are already sinnning, you're just downgrading their sin from derabanan to deoraita. There is a long rabbinic tradition of not imposing halachot the community en masse will not be able to observe - and shomerness/continuation of the single women ban violates that tradition. 2. Pyschology shows that humans do not like living with cognitive dissonance. So while it is possible that an observant Jew will say, "I am observant but happen to be violating the set of sexual halachas, despite believing in them, because they're too darn hard", what is more likely is that, in order to lessen the dissonance, the person will either stop breaking sex halachot (unlikely given the strength of the sex urge in humans) or just stop believing in sex halachot - perhaps by just giving up belief in the halacha system in general. Furthermore, even if one believes in the halachik system, one might not like the feeling of hypocrisy inherent in "I believe in a system, but only observe part of it, cause the rest is too hard", and thus, prefer to simply stop observing the system altogether.

For these reasons, I truly feel that allowing single women to immerse in mikvah is an example of "Et laasot laHashem, hefirut Toratecha" - It is a time to get rid of one halachik prohibition, less the strength of that prohibition, cause Jews en masse to stop observing the entire corpus of halachik laws.

* My proposed solution to this was either a) takanah making pre-marital sex (PMS) forbidden b) statement condoning PMS c) making boys/girls take neder at bat/bar mitzvah not to engage in pre-marital intercourse - I was told that a neder wouldn't work because people would break it. Of course, by that logic, no halacha will work, because people might break any halacha - whether the halacha is not to go against a neder, or not to fornicate without going to mikvah. Note: My neder would be against pre-marital sex, not mentioning other forms of touching, such as hugging, kissing, etc.
** While there are Jews who are legitimately shomer, many claim to be so without actually being shomer. This group can be split into two camps: 1. The group that tries to live a shomer lifestyle, but occassionally slips up 2. The group that habitually engages in romantic physical contact. It is true, that many faux-shomer people don't engage in pre-marital sex, for religious reasons - but the same can be said of many openly non-shomer observant Jews.

Dear Man

Dear Man:

You do not have a right to my body. Contrary to what you think, buying me a drink does not entitle you to a goodnight kiss. I do not charge for kisses, and if I did, you could not afford it. I happen to think that really good physical intimacy is priceless; apparently, you think it's worth as much as an expensive bottle of beer. I confess, knowing that you place so little worth on the interaction of our bodies, greatly decreases my desire to get into bed with you.

Which brings me to my next point: Sex is about desire - not just about your desires, but also about mine. If you desire to kiss me, and I desire to kiss you, we should kiss. If desire to kiss is lacking in either party, we should not. If you put your hand on the small of my back, and I don't respond, or I shrug it off, I probably don't desire for it to be there - which means you should stop.

Don't give up - the fact that I don't desire to kiss you tonight, doesn't mean that I won't desire to kiss you tomorrow. But if you don't respect my desires and my boundaries tonight, I have no desire to see you tomorrow.

I understand, that we live in a society that tells you sex with a woman is your God-given (or biologically given) right, but last time I heard, it wasn't enshrined in the UN Declaration of Human Rights, or in the Constitution. I understand our society tells you if you don't get laid you're a loser: If society didn't tell you that, you'd have no reason to buy the profit-making products that are supposed to get me to get into bed with you. I understand, and I'm sorry that society lied to you - but overcoming those lies is best worked out on the therapists' couch, not on top of me.

I even heard a rumor, that it is possible to go one night without sex and survive. I guess you're still ignorant of that rumor, which explains why you're so upset at me for not going to bed with you. 

Apparently, you were expecting a kiss goodnight, because you assumed that a date came with a goodnight kiss,just as the coffees in some places come with little chocolates. I however, am not responsible for the set of assumptions that you brought to this evening - I have broken no vows or promises to you. If I were to kiss you without wanting to however, I would be breaking a vow or promise to myself: You see, I vowed to treat myself with respect at all times - which includes not giving men access to my body when I don't desire it. I am sorry that my self-respect got in the way of your orgasm. Better luck tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Woman

PS - In case you're wondering why I am addressing this letter to Man, it is because it is based on my experiences as a straight woman who dates men. If a male friend wishes to write the "Dear Woman: Please stop being clingy just because last night I gave you an orgasm (or two)." letter, I'd be happy to read it.