Dear Man

Dear Man:

You do not have a right to my body. Contrary to what you think, buying me a drink does not entitle you to a goodnight kiss. I do not charge for kisses, and if I did, you could not afford it. I happen to think that really good physical intimacy is priceless; apparently, you think it's worth as much as an expensive bottle of beer. I confess, knowing that you place so little worth on the interaction of our bodies, greatly decreases my desire to get into bed with you.

Which brings me to my next point: Sex is about desire - not just about your desires, but also about mine. If you desire to kiss me, and I desire to kiss you, we should kiss. If desire to kiss is lacking in either party, we should not. If you put your hand on the small of my back, and I don't respond, or I shrug it off, I probably don't desire for it to be there - which means you should stop.

Don't give up - the fact that I don't desire to kiss you tonight, doesn't mean that I won't desire to kiss you tomorrow. But if you don't respect my desires and my boundaries tonight, I have no desire to see you tomorrow.

I understand, that we live in a society that tells you sex with a woman is your God-given (or biologically given) right, but last time I heard, it wasn't enshrined in the UN Declaration of Human Rights, or in the Constitution. I understand our society tells you if you don't get laid you're a loser: If society didn't tell you that, you'd have no reason to buy the profit-making products that are supposed to get me to get into bed with you. I understand, and I'm sorry that society lied to you - but overcoming those lies is best worked out on the therapists' couch, not on top of me.

I even heard a rumor, that it is possible to go one night without sex and survive. I guess you're still ignorant of that rumor, which explains why you're so upset at me for not going to bed with you. 

Apparently, you were expecting a kiss goodnight, because you assumed that a date came with a goodnight kiss,just as the coffees in some places come with little chocolates. I however, am not responsible for the set of assumptions that you brought to this evening - I have broken no vows or promises to you. If I were to kiss you without wanting to however, I would be breaking a vow or promise to myself: You see, I vowed to treat myself with respect at all times - which includes not giving men access to my body when I don't desire it. I am sorry that my self-respect got in the way of your orgasm. Better luck tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Woman

PS - In case you're wondering why I am addressing this letter to Man, it is because it is based on my experiences as a straight woman who dates men. If a male friend wishes to write the "Dear Woman: Please stop being clingy just because last night I gave you an orgasm (or two)." letter, I'd be happy to read it.