What do niddah, shomer negiah, and abstaining from vaginal intercourse before marriage have in common? They are all Orthodox halachic norms that are framed in apologetic terms.
Niddah is supposed to enhance your marriage by making married sex more special, preventing sexual boredom, and enhancing verbal and other non-sexual communication skills. Shomer laws are supposed to enhance marital sex, by saving it for marriage, and to preserve the holiness of all married physical contact. What could be more special than having your first kiss be with your lifetime lover, than only having sexual contact with the person of your dreams? Why open yourself up to the pain that comes with sexual intimacy in a relationship that ends? Shomerness prevents you from getting hurt or taken advantage of as a single person. It allows you to see your relationships clearer, without being biased by the physical pleasure you get from them (since you're getting none), which leads to healthier relationship decisions. Use the word "sex" instead of shomerness, and you have the justification for the "everything but sex" before marriage Orthodox philosophy. Add in the knowledge that to violate any of these sexual laws is a terrible sin that would make you a social pariah if people knew, a sin whose guilt is hammered into your head over and over in Orthodox schools.
What do you get? A completely unhealthy attitude towards these sexual halachot. The fact is, all of the aforementioned halachot can be difficult -actually, excruciating - to keep. By presenting them as this magical experience, the discourse makes a person feel guilty for the difficulty they have in keeping those halachot. Ironically, this guilt may help drive a person to break the halachot, since negative self-perceptions often become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Furthermore, by emphasizing the seriousness of these halachot and making sexual propriety a defining criteria for membership in Orthodox society -as opposed to, say, the ability to refrain from speaking lashon harah - we make it harder for someone to do teshuva if they do violate one of these halachot. A person can be plagued with a feeling that even a minor slipup puts them beyond hope of redemption, therefore taking away the motivation to redeem themselves. This can lead not only to continued breaking of the halacha in question, but even to a complete abandonment of Judaism, since, if you're doomed for hell anyway, what's the point of not eating a cheesburger?
I understand that this type of negative thinking is a trap, but I think it is the type of thinking being encouraged by the way these halachot are currently taught in the Modern Orthodox (maybe Orthodox in general) world. I also can understand the argument that using refraining from lashon harah as a criteria for social acceptance is unrealistic - but so is expecting perfection when it comes to rules governing something as basic and widespread as human sexuality! Of course, I think that Orthodox society (and pretty much all socieities) should stop being so judgemental, especially since in Judaism, we are enjoined not to judge others, just as we wish for God not to judge us, but instead, to treat us with kindness and mercy - but that's a different topic.
I am not advocating a change in the halachot, but rather, a change in the way the halachot are taught. Openly adressing the challenges in keeping these halachot, and helping students to address them, can help students to keep them. Furthermore, emphasizing that while yes, sinning is bad, teshuva is possible, and that just because you sinned in one area, does not make you "a sinner", will help students stay within the bounds of the halachik system. A brief skim through the Yom Kippur liturgy is enough to illustrate that Judaism certainly believes in the power of redemption, and the ability of people to change.
I also believe, that the same way that there are Alcoholics Anonymous groups, there should be shomer, nidah, and no-pre-marital sex anonymous groups, segregated by gender (sorry for the heteronormativity here), where people can gather for facillitated meetings at which they can discuss the difficulties involved in keeping these halachot, and offer support and tips for each other. Perhaps the no pre-marital sex one could be merged with the general shomer one, dependng on demmand. In an ideal world, these groups would not be anonymous, and would not be gender segregated, but I understand that our world is not always ideal. In an ideal world, if someone saw another person going to a "Niddah Difficulties" anonymous group, they would admire that person for their commitment to halacha - and yes, men also need such a group, because niddah affects their relationships, too.
Or maybe it would be better if those groups were public - if whatever was said in the room was confidential, to the point where you even had to sign a legal disclaimer saying so, but that it would be publicly known, "The shomer difficulties group for women meets every Monday night at 9 o'clock, in the little office on the second floor, next to the beit midrash" - that way there would be public acknowledgment and acceptance of said difficulties. Though again, I think many people who might otherwise attend such meetings would be uncomfortable with that.
In any event, I think changing the discourse around these halachot, and the way they are taught, is essential. It is time to move beyond apologetics, towards reality - and in doing so, to honor a Jewish tradition that has long recognized the messy realities of the human body, while attempting to bring meaning to the Jewish soul.
A minor musing, which I don't think is a pure counterpoint or challenge or support or whatever but which I just thought about: How (in general in life) do people who are in long-distance relationships for whatever reason deal with the difficulties of avoiding sexual contact? Obviously some can be for shorter periods of time, there's visiting, whatever, but sometimes it's for longer periods of time. I don't know the exact contours of the situation I think is most relevant, but basically, we do seem to have some sorts of contexts where even if we're ok with sexual expression of whatever sort that we expect people in certain contexts for potentially non-trivial amounts of time to really go without sexual contact at all.
ReplyDeleteAgain, not intended to be a straight challenge/counterpoint or whatever; more of just another example that might be another useful way to contribute to thinking about this question.
That's a really interesting parallel. Thanks for pointing it out. I do think however, that the fact that it is for a limited, often short period of time, with the definite promise of sex looming on the horizon, makes it very different from being shomer, when you don't know if/when you are getting married, so it could be years or even forever. The uncertainty of if/when you'll experience sexual contact changes the dynamic of the lack of touch. Also, LDRs are considered immensely hard by society, something you only stick to if the person is really special and/or you're already in a good, committed relationship when it becomes long-distance - and the fact that society considers finite, temporary abstinence that contains the promise of sex when you do see your partner, to be so difficult, just shows how much more difficult it is when it is for a long, perhaps permanent period of time, with no promised sex in sight.
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