A Note on Cheating and Space

Often, there may be things partner A does that bother partner B, even if they are within the bounds set by the couple. If such a situation occurs, here are a couple of questions worth asking yourself:

1. Why does this bother you? Is there something specific about the situation - ie, B is meeting a girl at a restaunt, a setting you mentally define as a "date'? Is it that this situation objectively makes you uncomfortable - ie, having B have dinner alone with a girl at a fancy restaurant will always make you uneasy? If so, it might pay to take a second look at the boundaries you have set for your relationship - maybe you could make a "no dinners with a person of whatever gender(s) we are sexually attracted to at a fancy restaurant" rule, where B and the girl can meet for a pizza dinner or for a fancy lunch, and still have space to have a friendship, but not in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

2. Alternatively, did B and this girl once date? If so, remember: There is a reason they broke up, and a reason he is with you now, and not with her.

3. If you are nervous after asking yourself these questions, it may pay to have a conversation that goes something like this:

A. Affirmation

I wanted to talk to you about your dinner with C tonight. I love you, and I know that you would not violate my trust.

B. Expression of Concern

However, I am uneasy about your having dinner with C tonight,

C. Reason

because ......now discuss what you can do, both as inviduals and as a couple, to adress this reason/cause of concern.

or

I don't know why that is, and I know I have no reason to be concerned, however, I wanted to share my feelings with you, and let you know what's going on in my head.

D. Resolution

An active, concrete solution to address the reason if there is one.

or (and optional, sometimes there is no resolution for a reason-less problem, and that is ok)

I am still trying to figure out why I am concerned, and trying to work on myself so as not to feel this way in the future. I want you to feel comfortable to go out with friends.

E. Re-Affirmation

I am grateful/happy that we have had this conversation. I love you and I hope you have a good time tonight.

4. Is this an unreasonable fear? Does it pay to ignore it? Sometimes it can pay to share unreasonable fears in a calm manner, because if not, they might come up in an angry manner later on (ex. if you resent A's having dinner with C even though you know it is unreasonable). It is important to pick a good time, when you are both happy and not rushed, to have these types of conversations, even though it is hard and so tempting to keep pushing it off.

5. Does this fear speak to a fundamental insecurity about yourself or about your relationship? If so, is this an issue that can be talked about and worked through? If it is due to insecurity about yourself, it may pay to seek professional help, because insecurity can be a major drain on any relationship.

6. Does this speak to a very particular issue that is easily adressed? For example, if you realize that boys' nights make you nervous because you feel very left out of that part of your hubby's life, it might pay to have one night (or even a couple) where you boyfriend's guy friends (and maybe even their significant others as well) come over for dinner, or where you go out for drinks. These night should be in addition to your boyfriends' guys nights out however, not instead of. That way, next time he goes out, you will feel more secure because you will know who he is going with, and you won't feel like its this mysterious part of his life that you're not included in.