Ok, I shared my anti-ring speil. But now please allow me to indulge my pro - or at least not anti - virginity before marriage speil. I am not saying the PMS is immoral, or anything like that, merely that I think virginity until marriage is a valid and legitimate option.
Most of my friends' objections to virginity before marriage go something like this: 1. How can you know if someone is "good in bed" unless you sleep with them first? If you are married and they suck at sex, you are screwed for life, by which I mean not satisfactorily screwed for life. 2. As Samantha told Charlotte on Sex and The City, you test-drive the car before you buy it.
I guess my problem with these arguments can be tied to Samatnha's phraseology in objection 2: I think it is objectifying to see someone as this sex object, where you need to test the machinery before you lock yourself in. Of course, sex is an important part of a romantic relationship: I simply believe that love, combined with hard work and practice, can usually combine to form a satisfactory sex life. Sex is like art: Some people might have more innate ability than others, but it is a skill that can be taught. One doesn't need Mozart's natural abilities to be an excellent pianist.
That is not to say that everything always works out. I am sure there are the exceptions to the rule. But I think marrying someone without sleeping with them first is making a statement of faith: I love you and believe that because of our love we will have a good sex life. I think this faith comes with the understanding that achieving that good sex life might involve time, and may sometimes even involve sexual therapy and professional help, but you are committed to doing whatever it takes to make your sex life good, and because of that, it will probably wind up good. This affirmation of faith is incredibly romantic, and it shows that sex, while important, is not the most important part of your relationship - if it was, taking that leap would be too risky.
I also think that the concept of "good in bed" is fallacious: There is whether one person's body works well with your body. Sex isn't some skill that takes place in a vacuum. Usually, attitude - being responsive to your partner's needs - is as big a part of giving sexual pleasure to your partner as some sort of magical, unquantifiable physical quality known as "being good in bed".
Which lead me to my real concern about virginal marriages: Having the confidence to talk openly about sex, and express your needs to your partner, is extremely important when it comes to having a good sex life. I think that by making PMS so taboo, Orthodox society sometimes also precludes conversations about sex from a couple's pre-married life - and once you have a relationship dynamic where sex is not part of the conversation, where its immodest to speak of it - it's hard to change that. Orthodox society should be encouraging couples to speak about sex, both before and during marriage - because open communication, not PMS, is ultimately the key to successful sex and a successful relationship.
PS - PMS stands for pre-marital sex. For the source of these initials, please see my previous post.
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