Sham Marriages

I recently saw this link: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2087274,00.html
on a friend's Facebook profile. The article is about a rabbi who marries gay men and women; they both enter into the marriage knowing it is a sham. Friends' comments about the article were all negative.

While I think Orthodox society must make itself a society in which gay people can live openly as gay people, in gay relationships, without social stigma, I also think that this is a good way of responding to the fact that such a society is not the one most gay Orthodox Jews currently face. Putting a band-aid on the wound is a good idea, as long as one continues to search for the permanent cure as well.

Given that a) many Orthodox Jews, for religious or social reasons* wish to remain celibate b) many want the social acceptance that in the Orthodox world only comes from being married** c) many want children, and in many Orthodox communities adopting a child as a single parent is not socially acceptable d) many gay people do not want to be alone, having sham marriages could be a way of providing gay people with a socially acceptable way of living life with a dear platonic friend, feeling less lonely, and having children.

This debate reminds me of the debate in human rights: Is it better to distance oneself from dictators in the name of human rights as a theoretical value, or to work with dictators to deliver aid to people who are suffering - thus compromising on your values, but actually implementing human rights aid for those who needs it. The answer is usually that both approaches must be applied in different situations. Here too, the choice is not between eliminating homophobia and capitulating to homophobic society, but rather, fighting homophobia while implementing a variety of creative solutions to help gay people navigate the homophobic world they currently face, until the larger fight is won. This could be one such solution.

What bothered me most about the article was that a) it was assumed said couples were sleeping together b) cheating was accepted. I think that true sham marriage shadchans should have a variety of marriage options - including whether or not one wants children, if one would like to have sex-less marriage but adopt children, or if one would be willing to have sex for biological offspring. Cheating must also be discussed - is any cheating ok? If so, how much? Should there be arranged nights, where you can each go out to a bar and pick someone up? Is having a serious relationship with a person of the same gender on the side ok? These questions might seem trivial in a platonic relationship, but since these individuals are sharing homes and sometimes having children, these questions are extremely important. Another question is how separate the cheating must be from home - can a wife bring her girlfriend over for dinner, or must she have an affair?

What bothered me was not the idea of sham marriage per se, but the idea that these sham marriages should resemble traditional heterosexual marriages, as opposed to providing a social cover for a variety of flexible living arrangements between two people of the opposite gender looking for companionship, and possibly children. Such non-traditional, socially acceptable living arrangements could do much to alleviate the plight of gay Orthodox Jews - provided they do not come at the expense of fighting for the day an openly gay couple can proudly walk into synagogue.

* The traditional interpretation of Orthodox law is that homosexual sex is forbidden. Many Orthodox gay Jews believe in this interpretation and thus may choose to remain celibate for personal religious reasons.
** A separate problem, in it and of itself