I usually refrain from making this blog about my personal life, in part because it's not completely anonymous, in part not to hurt anyone. Today however, I'v decided to break my silence, because I feel like a lot of dilemmas I face are faced by other women as well:
1. Facebook - today, it is customary to be Facebook friends with someone almost as soon as you meet, whether you are interested in begin acquaintances, friends, or more than friends. The thing is, I post a lot of personal things on Facebook - as do many others. This leads to an unnatural situation where you are finding out many (perhaps unflattering) things about someone right at the start of the relationship before it has time to blossom, as opposed to it being revealed naturally as the relationship develops.
It's almost like having a friend tell you a horrible story about "that guy" who you kind of like before he first date.
2. Religiosity - For most of my life I've been shomeret negiah. I decided during college not to be. I am happy with that decision, even though it did lead to some tough emotional consequences, in which I realized all the advice I'd been giving to my non-shomer friends for years was 100% correct, but almost impossible to carry out in practice.
I also was - taken advantage of - (I don't want to use the word harassed) - by a male friend, which hurt emotionally, since its a betrayal of my trust. I decided after: I was never going to kiss a man I didn't care about (or a woman, I suppose, but I don't really care about women in that way.)
So now I am in a strange situation: In the religious world one is shomeret - and I would be willing to be in a shomer relationship. In the non-religious world, one hooks up from the start of things, or thereabouts. And I want neither - I want something that starts out shomer and slowly becomes not.
I know this is not realistic, and sometimes I wonder - once I am not keeping these halachot, are my self-imposed sexual rules just a prudish hangover from a past phase of my life? Sometimes I feel it is not religion that is holding me back, just my own fears that stem from having started my sexual life around 8 years after the rest of the normal world. I am young and inexperienced. Guys my age are not.
I feel like emotionally, it would be so much easier to just hook up with guys I don't care about. I'm not under the illusion that one needs to be in a relationship to have a good sexual experience - one of the best nights I had was spent with a friend. Of course, afterwards it made things awkward for our friendship (mostly from his end - why do guys assume if you hook up with them you must be secretly in love with them?) - but I actually think the hookup was worth it. I can't decide if this says more about the strength of the hookup or the strength of the friendship.
I am not a slut; even in non-shomeret mode, I've never slept around or even had a completely random hookup (i.e. one where you don't know the guy beforehand). But I feel that when it comes to sex, like with so many other things, I've taken the middle ground, and this puts me in awkward situation.
3. Then there is lifestyle - I am deeply religious, but find myself drawn to the secular lifestyle. The thing is, I think the religious lifestyle is good for raising kids - It provides a sense of community and family. I also think shabbat meals and singing are fun. So basically, I want to date a guy who wants the secular life style now but would be willing to adapt a quasi-religious one if we ever were to become serious and have kids.
4. Then there is the fact that i don't equate "being with someone" with "getting married and having kids". I am perfectly happy to be with someone - to spend time with them, to have an emotional connection, "lizrom", as the Israelis say. To me, that is enough at this point in my life. Yes, I am not averse to marriage - if things head that way, cool. If not -every experience of true connection is an enriching experience - here's to hoping it's a fun ride.
5. Then there is that if I were to get married in israel, I would refuse to get married by a rabbanut rabbi. I do not want to be legally married in Israel, unless I get legally married in Cyprus or the US and register it with the Israeli authorities. This is because I do not support the rabbanut and can not allow an organization I so disapprove of (especially with regards to women's issues) to be the legitimizer of my romantic relationship.
6. Of course, there are many issues where I disagree with the Orthodox establishment - but none seems to affect my personal life as much as when it comes to romance. In every relationship I've had, religion has been the deciding factor behind the breakup. That kind of sucks, though I concede it is a) a legitimate reason b) a relatively painless reason (as opposed to cheating partners, etc.)
The thing is, I am not about to change my lifestyle of who I am. I am religious because my lives are informed by Judaism's cannon of ancient texts; that is not about to change. Even if I were to stop being halachikly observant tomorrow, it would still be that cannon of texts that would inform my world-view and my lifestyle.
So I suppose I have dating dilemmas - the thing is, many thinking religious Jewish women (I can't speak for men) face similar dilemmas, which makes it somewhat of a "public" issue - which means it goes on my blog.
Apologies for anything I've done to offend you, a chatima tova, and an easy and meaningful Yom Kippur.
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