For the Honorable Prof Leibowitz, much peace:
I am allowing myself to turn to you with a personal problem, very difficult for me, because I heard about you, that you do not refrain from helping people and giving them moral support. I am hoping that you can enlighten my eyes for a solution, how to think and how to behave. I am a 29 year old student. I keep mtizvot, try to be religious, and want to serve Hashem as much as I can. But, there is a problem that contradicts my desire to serve God. The problem is that I desire those of my sex, which is forbidden according to our religion. All my attempts to deal with this problem have resulted in nothing. Believe me that from the moment I was firm in my decision, I keep on asking what to do with myself, because "oy" to me from God, but "oy" to me from my nature. This problem deprives me of sleep; I have no rest. I already thought of going out with, to feel without. That is to say, it does not matter what my feelings are, to get married and start a family in accordance with religion and halacha. But what? I hide, debating whether or not to tell the woman who wants me. That is, will she still want me if she knows this thing? This dilemma causes me much tension in my attempt to form a connection with a woman, because I feel like a trickster and untrustworthy. Furthermore, I fear lest what I hide today become known tomorrow. Despite my good intentions, I am not confident in the chances I will succeed in having a successful family life with a woman. And if so, will the sins of yesterday be forgiven me? Is it right in your opinion, according to philosophical truth or your life experiences, to not tell or to hide this topic from a person who will be such an important part of your life?
Also please allow me to ask if according to your opinion, my prayers will still be accepted despite this sin? That is to say, is it possible this sin has a different status from other sins? In general, how do I need to relate to myself regarding this issue?
Please allow me to hope I am not burdening you too much with questions that to me are so heavy. There are no words in my mouth to describe to you my extreme upset-ness and struggles as a person who wants very much to prepare his spiritual self on the highest level possible. From when I was little they told me my potential was great, and my self-expectations are high as well. This problem is like a yoke on my neck, and makes the work very difficult.
If you think I am not so much asking the right questions, I will be happy to hear. I have nothing left to say, except to wish you "Length of days and years of life and peace be upon you". i hope you will respond to me soon.
With faithful blessing.
Hi,
You turned to me with all your soul asking for help, and this obligate me to answer to the best of my abilities, even though I am unworthy and incapable of the task, as I recognize how limited my ability is - that I am not an psychologist and not a mouth for Torah or halacha. But I am not allowed to violate the commandment of "Do not stand on your brother's blood", for in this case, "the blood is the soul",
The world of your nature and your desires is unknown to me, but I do know our reality, and I think I may understand - and maybe feel - your suffering and your situation "between the straits": Between the pull towards it that comes from inside you, and the knowledge of the prohibition against it. The push - it is possible it is planted in you and forced upon you. And maybe acknowledgment of the prohibition comes to you from the recognition of the obligation to serve God, and you from your own opinions and your own will decided to acknowledge this obligation. In this, the soul is torn, a deep tear, much is the suffering, and maybe your awareness of this tear is davka a big testimony to your faith in God and His Torah.
A man can not control his nature and the musings of his heart, and it is beyond the power of his will to nullify them. But in one midah - and maybe many - he is the master over his actions, and here is the great internal struggle that is placed upon him. The first word in the text of the Shulchan Aruch is: "A man will overcome". (Yitgaber). From your letter it is clear how aware you are of the hard test that it was decreed upon you to stand (remain strong) in. There are those who say, it is a big merit to the man who is faced with a test, for the spiritual turmoil he undergoes through the test is "turmoil of love". If a man refrains from sin, but the will is continuing to deprive him of rest and deprive him of spiritual fulfillment and is even raising doubts about whether he is faithful in his relationship with Hashem, he should rely on the phrase of the rabbis, of blessed memory: "A person who was tempted to do a sin and refrained from doing so, performed a big mitzvah. Furthermore, one who does a mitzvah and does not gain spiritual fulfillment from it, did the mitzvah lishmah, (for the right reasons) - that is to say, a mitzvah not done for reward and even not done for spiritual fulfillment.
Male Homosexual sex is one of the serious sins, and it will not do to find him a heter (permission) from the Torah because of his nature or the will of the sinner; but in this he is no different from a violator of the Sabbath. One who violates one of these commandments, the punishment is stoning - if it was done with witnesses and warning, and if he did it without witnesses and warning, his punishment is karet. Despite that, whoever violated this severe sin, is still a son of Israel, who is obligated in all the other mitzvoth, and when he fulfills from them, he is within the realm of fulfilling a mitzvah despite the severe sins he has upon his hands. The fulfillment of mitzvoth does not atone for sins, but sins do not diminish the mitzvah. If a sinner prays with kavanah, his prayer is an acceptable prayer.
You are asking me a very serious question regarding your future path in life. And I am very humbled: I have no right to judge you, to advise you or to guide you. I am inclined to think that if you accept it upon yourself to fight this hard battle in your soul "for the sake of Heaven", you would do well to try to find the girl who - after you have revealed to her what is in your heart - will understand you and your pure intentions, and will want to be your helper and spouse. You will take her as a wife in accordance with religion and halacha, and you will have kosher and fulfilled spousal relationship and family life, even if you will be unable to uproot from your heart those thoughts and the internal struggle will not stop - and you can not hide this struggle from your wife. If you will remain strong, there will be in you a kiddush Hashem.
If you can not stop fearing in your hear lest you not stand in the test and fail in this sin because of weakness in the hard struggle that was given to you - I bring before you the deep words of a chassidic teacher (even though generally chassidic teachings are strange to my soul):
"There are times when a person stands in such a big test, that it is impossible he will not sin…and in this he is thought of as an oness (victim of circumstances beyond his control) and the Merciful One makes him patur (not bound by the mitzvah), and also if the incitement of the evil inclination is so great it is impossible to win, he is thought of as an oness….there is an evil inclination so big that the man is completely thought of as a victim of circumstances beyond his control, and there is no punishment even if he violated a prohibition, for he is an oness. But a person himself can not rely on this, for perhaps he did indeed have the power to resist the evil inclination."
I understand and feel your pain - and from this, your pure intentions - and I have no more to say other then to strengthen you and wish you warm blessings.
Yeshayahu Leibowitz
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