On Being Shomeret Derech Chibah

I wrote this a while ago, but am posting it because I think what I was feeling when I wrote it is something many shomer/et people go through:

Tonight, my roommates went to a frat party. Looking at their flushed faces and hearing their laughs, as they sat there discussing what a good time they'd had grinding and looking beautiful, a part of me wished I'd gone with them. I found myself longing to sit there, laughing, knowing I looked beautiful, and had just unleashed my sexual energy in the non-harmful, risk-of-std-free form of grinding.

But then I thought of the emptiness of it all; I thought of parties in highschool, which I would go to about once a year, when being shomeret finally got on my nerves. I would show up, dance, but not grind, or grind on girls, (to be more halachikly correct) and leave feeling great. I'd wake up the next morning, and feel like a slut - but a happy slut. And I would have the renewed strength to be shomeret for another year.

I could have gone tonight - no one in the Jewish community had to know. I probably could have kept my non-slut reputation. But I chose not to: Why?

It has taken me so long to be comfortable with my decision to be shomeret derech chiba. At one point in my life, I used to always diet and dress up in order to convince myself that I was shomeret by choice, and not by necessity, because I was undesirable to men. Now I am more confident, but being shomeret is still difficult. I think that it, along with kibud av vaem, is my hardest nisayon.

I thought tonight, how maybe it was better for me to close myself off from being exposed to such a sexually licentatious society - but doesn't that mean cutting myself off from a part of myself, ignoring my own sexuality? It would be easier to go to immerse myself in Orthodox, sexually repressed society, but I don't want to do that, both because I generally disapprove of repression, and because I believe that sexuality can be something beautiful.

I am not sure what the point of this rant is: I am shomeret derech chiba, and although I find it frustrating, I do believe that it is worth it. But I also believe that the frustration is something that many shomer/shomeret (derech chiba or in general) people feel, and it is an issue that needs to be discussed. Unfortunately, sexuality is something not really so socially acceptable to talk about in Orthodox circles. It is true that such discussions can often degenerate into verbal smut, but there is a way to balance being open with not being completely dirty. Isn't there?