Skirts and Labels

I have been thinking a lot about labels. Asked recently by a family very dear to my heart how I define myself (charedi, chardal, dati-leumi, mesorati, chiloni) I replied that I define myself as someone who tries to engage in avodat Hashem. I don't believe in any of the labels. I was told to stop being an idealist and just pick a group.

The truth is that I see elements of all groups in myself, and each group has elements which I abhor as well as elements which I admire. I feel comfortable both with charedim in Bney Brak and with chilonim in Haifa. The only time I ever feel uncomfortable is when human life is being insulted - something that can happen at times in any societal group.

I was thinking also about how most of the women who I most admire, those who I consider to be true tzadikot and paradigms of chessed, wear skirts and elbow length. I often wonder if there is some kind of connection: Would I be a better person if I only wore skirts? The question is ridiculous, but I sometimes wonder.

Then I realized the connection between these women was not their dossit uniform, but their intense faith in God, as well as their lack of cynicism. I wondered if cynicism detracts from kindness - after all, cynicism implies a certain negativity, while surely kindness stems from seeing the good in people and wanting to do good for them. I also wondered if there was a connection between faith and concealing sexuality. All of these faith-filled women live in communities where sexuality is concealed.

Each society recognizes the difference between three phases of a person's life: pre-sexuality* , age when one is physically able to engage in sexual activity**, and the time in a person's life when one is actually engaged in sexual activity. (The time period in between those last two phases is dependent on suavity and religious preference.) The age when one starts becoming aware of one's sexuality and developing physically is also the age when one begins questioning the words of one's elders, "thinking for oneself", and, essentially becoming a bit more cynical. The increase of skepticism as a mass-cultural phenomena, as well as an intellectual one, has been accompanied in an increase in open sexuality and decrease in religious faith. Those are three basic elements of the development of the modern era.

Chazal say that Israel engaged in avodah zara in order to commit acts of sexual lewdness. (I hate the phrase sexual immorality - the only sex I view as immoral is that which hurts another person. I do not think halacha and morality are the same, especially halachot regarding sex. The halacha to not commit adultery happens to be moral. But you observe it not because of your own inner morality, but because you are fulfilling God's will - which in this case conforms to your own inner morality. See Yeshayahu Leibowitz.) I wonder if there really is some complicated connection between cynicism, sexuality, and faith - something to do with the first sin in gan eden. (I do not mean to say that sexuality is bad, or that the sin in gan eden was sexual. I am not the Catholic Church in the Middle Ages. The result of the sin however, clearly had impact of the relationship between man/woman and his/her sexuality, because it is then that Adam and Eve begin to be uncomfortable about being naked, and attempt to hid their sexual organs.)

On the other hand, there clearly are many extremely kind people who wear pants and may or may not have faith in God. One such person is Tamar. Her daughter, who lives at the facility where I volunteered, can not speak and is in a wheelchair. She does not give any outward sign of recognizing her mother, or anyone else. Yet her mother is one of the most cheerful, kind people I've met. I do not understand how, despite the pain she must feel, she has one of the warmest smiles. To watch her seeing the good in people and doing things for them is truly inspiring. She has something kind to say about everyone, and her words are accompanied by actions. She wears pants and is not "orthodox". She may be traditional and/or believe in God. She may be a hardcore atheist. I never asked her.

*I am not factoring in Freudian grossness, psychological experiments or studies on gender difference. It is important to distinguish between awareness of gender and sexuality. The seeds of one lie in the other, but they have not been germinated.

** I mean by "normal" standards, not NAMBLA-esque ones. But even in societies where that age is young, there still is the distinction.