This morning, I was pondering the halacha that if no one knows someone is a mamzer, that person is not considered a mamzer*, even if technically their conception was the result of a mamzer-inducing union. I think the larger ethical imperative in this halacha** is that we should not judge each other's sex lives -an imperative echoed in Rashi's interpretatin of ma tovu ohalecha: The Israelites' tents faced away from each other, specifically so that they would not see what was going on in their neighbor's tent. It was this lack of spying, on order to gossip and judge people's personal lives, that constituted part of the Israelites' greatness.
I think our society has forgotten this imperative when it comes to homosexuality. It is full of judgement and condemnation. The excuse? Homosexuality is halachikly forbidden. Leaving aside the halachik argument - which I believe is more complex than it seems - this excuse does not hold water. Mamzers are also the result of halachikly forbidden sex, but we are told that if their mamzerut is not public knowledge, we are to turn a blind eye, rather than embarass them or shun them. The case of mamzer is slightly different, because it is the mamzer's parents that are guilty, but even then, we are not commanded to shun people who engage in forbidden sexual acts.*** As a matter of fact, when we are commanded to love our friend/neighbor, the Torah does not qualify that by saying, "But only if he does not sin" - on the contrary, while legal infractions must be dealt with legally - hence halachik punishments for halachas - the fact that someone violated a halacha does not free us of our halachik obligation to not judge said person and to love said person. So by shunning them, we violate a Torah commandment in order to protest another person's violation of a Torah commandment - not only is this illogical behavior, but also means you are risking your own spiritual health in order to condemn another person's actions. If you value yourself more than this person, your spiritual health should come first - so why risk it?****
Perhaps I would not speak out, but I believe our communal condemnation comes at a terrible price: The price of silence. Gay people in our community feel they can not speak out.***** Imagine having to live such a huge part of your life in silence - not being able to talk about liking someone, about wanting to hold their hand - just the feeling of having to pretend, day after day, to be something you're not. I am sure most of us, regardless of our sexual orientation, have found ourselves in situations where we felt we had to supress part of who we are***** - and it is a terrible experience. I also believe that it goes against a major part of Judaism - seeking to express your truest self to the highest degree, as evidenced by Hashem's telling Avraham, "lech lecha", go to yourself - in a midrashic sense, since mankind was formed from the earth of Israel, by journeying to Israeli Avraham was literally journeying towards himself - but in a more metaphoric way, his journey was one of self-actualization.
This silence engenders more silence: A subject's taboo-ness is self-reinforcing. If one is violating a social norm, no one wants to then say to society, "Hey, I am violating a social norm", and face society's condemnation. If other people are publicly violating that norm also, then it becomes easier - in part because the norm becomes less normative. (I love tautologies.) The norm, by the way, is not halachik: The norm is to not admit even having homosexual desires, which is above and beyond the halacha, which violates action. Interestingly enough, I could say I desire a pork chop, which violates a deoraita, without getting the same amount of communal censure I would get for saying I desire women - even though its murkey whether lesbian sex is forbidden even on a drabanan level.
The worst part of silence is that it can make many gay people feel alone and isolated - they may think they are the only gay people in their community, because everyone around them professes straightness. Even if they know it is statistically unlikely that everyone around them is straight, how does that help if they do not know who to turn to and have no one who they feel may be going through a similiar experience?
To be clear: Sexuality is between three parties: a person and oneself, a person and one's sexual partner(s), and for people of faith, between oneself and God. It is not - and should not - be between oneself and society. I think that shunning someone, or as a community, shunning a segment of the community, because of their sex life, is wrong. There may be exceptions to this rule where severe moral codes are violated: rape, incest, pedophilia - but that is a topic for a different time, and I would argue that is different than a consenting gay relationship, which violates halacha but not morality. I also object to assesing people's religiosity based on their shomerness or lack thereof, for the same reason.
I sometimes post links to gay-friendly website for religious Jews/news that may be of interest to religious/culturally observant GLBTQ Jews. While I do this to a certain extent because I have many straight friends interested in these issues, I also do it because I hope that if I have any gay friends out there who have not come out to me, who may be looking for support but do not know where to find it, they will chance upon the link, and it will help them. (If you are reading this and want me to send you a list of links by email, please feel free to let me know - just send me a private fbook message. I will also bli neder try to post an entire list this week in the form of a fbook note, for those of you who may want a coherent list, but not feel comfortable messaging me about it.)
* Clearly this is further evidence that I am pregnant with Selma Hayak's secret love-child.
** If I read this into the text, it is a valid interpretation, regardless of the author's intent. Postmodernism, baby!
*** Yes, there is a halachik framework for punishing those acts via beit din, but just remember, if you advocate that, most people have probably done some sin that incurs lashes. If you advocate shunning people who do such sins, well, then we'd probably have to all shun each other. And personally, if you are reading this, I probably like you too much to want to shun you.
**** Use a condom.
***** There are brave exceptions: re, the YU Panel and the It Gets Better Orthodox video on youtube. Note the lesbian silence in said events. Also, yes, things are changing. Yay!
****** Insert rant against societal norms and add on rant against bourgeois values.
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